Last week we
had the Grammy’s, then the Oscars and now, saving the best till last, the Brit
Awards 2015! This year hosted by Ant and Dec, yippee not the unfunny Southern smugness
of James Corden.
So, to open
the bowling a nice bit of gentle out-swing from Taylor Swift- a bit of a
warm-up song to fill in some of the Blank space of time while guests make
it back from the bar.
After her performance its time for Ant and Dec.They have the temerity to take the mickey out of a certain arrogant rapper, North
East 1 Kanye west 0.
Whenever I
see Ant and Dec together on a stage we are always bloody voting for something and
tonight is no different! Yes the Great British Public can vote for that oh so
important award for “best video artist,” featuring a rather motley crew of
nominees:
1. One Direction- just because Simon
Cowell said so.
2. Ed Sheeran – Thinking out loud- because
he’s Ed Sheeran and he has to be nominated for everything.
3. Sam Smith- Stay with Me- because
everything Ed Sheeran is nominated for he has to be too
4. Calvin Harris – Summer- Sorry forgot
this song had ever even existed let alone the video
5. Uptown Funk- Because it’s everybody’s
favourite song right now.
Oh god, Rita
Ora has entered the building, last seen at the Brits getting drunk and being
rather embarrassing with the members of One Direction...Ooh don’t mention that
wardrobe malfunction mister, look her in the eyes not anywhere else. The best Male solo artist is won by the fox himself Ed Sheeran, beating off the
competition from Sam Smith, George Ezra and some other bloke called Damon
Albarn.
Royal Blood
scoop the best British group award which shows you don’t have to have five
number ones and be on a reality TV show to win awards.
So, let the
vocal battle commence, first up on stage, Sam Smith. Nice song very profound
but didn’t really get the juices flowing to be honest. Bring on err Ed Sheeran.
First let’s have a game of bingo Ant and Dec style, which brings together the
rather odd couple of Ellie Goulding and Lewis Hamilton, whose on-screen
chemistry make the lead actors of Fifty Shades of Grey look positively smoking.
Lewis, seriously don’t think you are
going to pull Ellie Goulding any time soon mate after that performance.
Who is
St.Vincent, apart from a Carribean Island? Ellie Goulding and Taylor Swift are
best friends apparently, as she scoops the best International artist award.
Time for
some rock n’roll!
Royal Blood take
to the stage and fill this year’s “token rock act” slot. At least it was nice
to hear some proper guitars for a change, along with some interesting lighting
effects.
Ellie
Goulding has ditched her best friend Taylor Swift for Rita Ora. She
surprisingly tips Jessie Ware to win the best female award, much to the surprise
of Ant and Dec, who I'm not sure had even heard of her. Don’t mention that
wardrobe malfunction to Miss Ora, Dec, or she’ll chop your balls off quicker than
you can say “Byker Grove.”
Oh my days
it’s Simon Cowell with glasses on. Oh for god’s sake you never miss an
opportunity do you Si. "Vote for One Direction in the video category"
he muses. Well I suppose they are better than Calvin Harris. Ant and Dec give
him a tie. He’ll probably try to flog it off-camera to Labrinth, who is sat next to him.
It’s time
for some Mark “collaboration” Ronson and the best British female solo award. There’s
Ellie’s tip, Jessie Ware along with Ella Henderson and Paloma Faith, who wins
and is rather emotional when she takes the stage. Nice roses, might need watering later on. She’s seen the first
legal pictures of her all over tube stations. Hmm.. Cue the longest acceptance
speech of the night.
Now it’s the
ginger one Mr Sheeran’s turn, time for a brew. No wait, is he really playing
that guitar riff or is a loop pedal doing it all for him? It looks like he’s
trying to sing, play the guitar and drive a car at the same time. He’s getting
rather loud and emotional is our Ed, which is a shame because I’d earmarked his
act for a cheeky nap. Oh well.
Oh no who’s
this vile looking creature? It’s the walking egg-timer herself Kim
Kardashian-West, although it looks like everything is mostly heading South. She will
be awarding the best global success award. Inevitably, Sam Smith has won this
award in a rather one-horse race. Is he the only British act to be successful
abroad then? Ooh another friend of Taylor Swift, isn’t she a popular girl. Ant
and Dec want a selfie with the egg-timer on legs but oh no shock horror the
phone was locked. Oh well maybe another time lads. Now she wants everyone to
stand up for her husband Kanye and a special song about his shopping trip to
Aldi.
Well at
least that’s what I think him and his rent-a crowd onstage were shouting about.
That’s all I could hear because the rest of it was muted out by ITV except for
one word which I cannot repeat. Now why is it rappers insist on having 500
other people on stage with them when people like Ed Sheeran can happily stand
on their own looking like Billy-no mates, with only a guitar for company. By
the looks of the performance it seems as if Kanye and his chums have set fire
to their local branch of Aldi and they seem rather happy about it. Don’t give
any of their own brand of baked beans to your missus Kanye, they might shatter
her backside. Was that everybody’s friend Taylor Swift trying to be cool by
dancing to Mr West? Lionel Richie looks slightly less impressed.
So after
that it’s a girl with bigger eyebrows than Liam Gallagher apparently. Well she
looked OK to me whoever she was. She wants a three-some with Ant and Dec. Moving swiftly along its time for best international male solo artist.
Unfortunately Pharrell didn't see the Brits as being cool enough to attend so a
recorded message it is. I’m sure he’ll find space at the back of the mantelpiece
for his Brit Award.
Ooh it's the
last chance to vote for the best video artist award. More Morecambe and Wise-style
antics from our Geordie friends before a surprise live appearance from Take
That. So there’s Gary Barlow on vocals with a big keyboard and crikey, whose
that bashing a big drum? Why none other than Howard Donald and what’s going
on here? Is Mark Owen actually playing that guitar? Still I suppose that’s what
happens when your dancer leaves the group. So who will Ant and Dec pair up from
their bingo? The likely duo of Lisa Snowdon and Lionel Richie, that’s who. They
both say hello and introduce the award for the best single. Clean Bandit, Ed
Sheeran (of course), My Love by Jess Glynne- not really. Sigma..oh dear. Sam
Smith inevitably to keep up the kind of Coe/Ovett style duel with Sheeran. Oh
bloody Calvin Harris again. Oh dear. To think on another night he might have
won two awards. Uptown Funk won this category because it’s everybody’s favorite
song at the moment. Poor old Mark Ronson he’s not used to being in front of loads of
people. He says he could not have done it without the world’s most talented
Hawaiian, Bruno Mars, which isn't really that difficult to be with only Nicole
Scherzingher for competition.
Now the world’s most talented Scouser comes on
stage, John Bishop. Some quality acts up for best International group except
for 5 Seconds of Summer. They thankfully lose out to the Foo Fighters who, like
Pharrell are too cool for this school.
James Bay
the critics’ choice has a nice hat on, although Ant and Dec seem less
interested about getting to know this upcoming young buck in the music industry
and more interested in how drunk he is. Only at The Brits. Sam Smith advises
him to get dumped by someone to inspire his music, advice he must have received
himself from Adele, conspicuous by her absence this year.
It’s time
for some George Ezra the third man in the Sheeran/Smith duel. He’s like a
protest vote really. Budapest is a great song though.
The best
British Breakthrough Act: Interesting bit of nostalgia that PJ and Duncan (who
Ant and Dec used to be called for younger readers) lost out in this very category
back in 1995 to a “ little” band called Oasis. To present the award is the “inevitable
at some stage” appearance of Fearne Cotton feat. Charlie XCX. “This is a girl
power moment," muses XCX. Who the FK are FKA Twigs? Predictably Sam Smith wins
his second Brit in a category Ed Sheeran was barred from because he’s been
around too long.
Ant and Dec crawl
under a table like two kids playing hide n seek at a wedding. Maybe it’s to
escape the booming voice of Paloma Faith who is now performing. Now this is
where I stand with Paloma. Like her songs, the music part that is until she
opens her mouth and it then seems to drown out any well crafted music
production on her records. Anyway she’s not as bad as Cheryl Fernando vajazzle, or whatever she's called now, again conspicuously
absent from these awards completely, thank goodness. Looks like Paloma is
getting rather wet out there, either that or there’s a leak in the roof of the
02.
Jimmy Carr
and some underwear model to present the penultimate award. Oh my god she’s
another best friend of Taylor Swift. How many best friends does one girl need? Hope
she doesn’t get in a cat fight with Ellie Goulding at the after party, they
were each wearing white and both claim to be Taylor Swift’s bestie. Awkward.
Video of the
year, the one we've been cajoled into voting for all night is finally revealed.
Inevitably like with all public phone votes and a bit of Tesco-style number
crunching probably by a certain Mr Cowell it's One Direction who scoop the award
for “You and I.” I don’t think this award should really count because it has
all the validity of a Zimbabwean General Election. Unfortunately the boys are
in Japan so to accept the award it’s the powerful despot himself Mr Simon “four
eyes” Cowell. I bet those spectacles can grow pound signs too ££.
Russell
Crowe, the possible future owner of Leeds United, strides on stage for the
British squeaky album time. Ed Sheeran, Alt-J, George Ezra, Royal Blood and yes
you’ve guessed it Sam Smith are nominated. The ginger fox beats the brewery. Sheeran doesn't
think the Brit award statue made of playdoh with bits of loo roll hanging off
it is worthy of the work put into making music. Nuff said.
It’s time
for our headline act! For the first time in twenty years it’s Madonna!!
On she comes
wearing a black cloak so long that anyone could easily trip up over it. Nah that couldn’t happen could it?..oops, just has.. and that was quite a clunk over the microphone as
she toppled down those steps along with those dancers who tumbled with her.
Perhaps the stage was still wet after Paloma Faith’s performance or maybe it’s
because Madonna is so used to wearing skimpy outfits on stage and forgot she was wearing something rather longer. She did well to get back up at her age
and carry on as the rather average song suggested. Oh well the press have got
their headlines and no matter what went before it the 2015 Brit awards will
always be remembered for when Madonna fell over on stage. Still it has got
everybody talking and will probably boost her album sales. Its publicity Simon
Cowell could only dream of. Oh look there’s Kanye West holding Kim Kardashian
like a 15-year old boy who has just got together with his new bird in the park.
Madonna finishes and will now go off to warm up the hairdryer for that dancer
who didn't take her cloak off properly. So, back to Ant and Dec now to thank us
for watching and say bye bye.. Ok well, maybe after the montage showing the “best bits” from tonight’s
show? Cut to credits..aww aren’t you going to say goodnight boys? No? Oh well
see you again next year. Time for the after party, which will probably end up with
everybody having a sleepover at Taylor Swift’s house, because she’s everyone’s best friend isn't she.