My alternative look at The Brit Awards 2015

Last week we had the Grammy’s, then the Oscars and now, saving the best till last, the Brit Awards 2015! This year hosted by Ant and Dec, yippee not the unfunny Southern smugness of James Corden.

So, to open the bowling a nice bit of gentle out-swing from Taylor Swift- a bit of a warm-up song to fill in some of the Blank space of time while guests make it back from the bar.

After her performance its time for Ant and Dec.They have the temerity to take the mickey out of a certain arrogant rapper, North East 1 Kanye west 0. 

Whenever I see Ant and Dec together on a stage we are always bloody voting for something and tonight is no different! Yes the Great British Public can vote for that oh so important award for “best video artist,” featuring a rather motley crew of nominees:

1.     One Direction- just because Simon Cowell said so.

2.     Ed Sheeran – Thinking out loud- because he’s Ed Sheeran and he has to be nominated for everything.

3.     Sam Smith- Stay with Me- because everything Ed Sheeran is nominated for he has to be too

4.     Calvin Harris – Summer- Sorry forgot this song had ever even existed let alone the video

5.     Uptown Funk- Because it’s everybody’s favourite song right now.

Oh god, Rita Ora has entered the building, last seen at the Brits getting drunk and being rather embarrassing with the members of One Direction...Ooh don’t mention that wardrobe malfunction mister, look her in the eyes not anywhere else. The best Male solo artist is won by the fox himself Ed Sheeran, beating off the competition from Sam Smith, George Ezra and some other bloke called Damon Albarn.

Royal Blood scoop the best British group award which shows you don’t have to have five number ones and be on a reality TV show to win awards.

So, let the vocal battle commence, first up on stage, Sam Smith. Nice song very profound but didn’t really get the juices flowing to be honest. Bring on err Ed Sheeran. 

First let’s have a game of bingo Ant and Dec style, which brings together the rather odd couple of Ellie Goulding and Lewis Hamilton, whose on-screen chemistry make the lead actors of Fifty Shades of Grey look positively smoking.  Lewis, seriously don’t think you are going to pull Ellie Goulding any time soon mate after that performance.

Who is St.Vincent, apart from a Carribean Island? Ellie Goulding and Taylor Swift are best friends apparently, as she scoops the best International artist award.

Time for some rock n’roll!

Royal Blood take to the stage and fill this year’s “token rock act” slot. At least it was nice to hear some proper guitars for a change, along with some interesting lighting effects.

Ellie Goulding has ditched her best friend Taylor Swift for Rita Ora. She surprisingly tips Jessie Ware to win the best female award, much to the surprise of Ant and Dec, who I'm not sure had even heard of her. Don’t mention that wardrobe malfunction to Miss Ora, Dec, or she’ll chop your balls off quicker than you can say “Byker Grove.”

Oh my days it’s Simon Cowell with glasses on. Oh for god’s sake you never miss an opportunity do you Si. "Vote for One Direction in the video category" he muses. Well I suppose they are better than Calvin Harris. Ant and Dec give him a tie. He’ll probably try to flog it off-camera to Labrinth, who is sat next to him.

It’s time for some Mark “collaboration” Ronson and the best British female solo award. There’s Ellie’s tip, Jessie Ware along with Ella Henderson and Paloma Faith, who wins and is rather emotional when she takes the stage. Nice roses, might need watering later on. She’s seen the first legal pictures of her all over tube stations. Hmm.. Cue the longest acceptance speech of the night.

Now it’s the ginger one Mr Sheeran’s turn, time for a brew. No wait, is he really playing that guitar riff or is a loop pedal doing it all for him? It looks like he’s trying to sing, play the guitar and drive a car at the same time. He’s getting rather loud and emotional is our Ed, which is a shame because I’d earmarked his act for a cheeky nap. Oh well.

Oh no who’s this vile looking creature? It’s the walking egg-timer herself Kim Kardashian-West, although it looks like everything is mostly heading South. She will be awarding the best global success award. Inevitably, Sam Smith has won this award in a rather one-horse race. Is he the only British act to be successful abroad then? Ooh another friend of Taylor Swift, isn’t she a popular girl. Ant and Dec want a selfie with the egg-timer on legs but oh no shock horror the phone was locked. Oh well maybe another time lads. Now she wants everyone to stand up for her husband Kanye and a special song about his shopping trip to Aldi.

Well at least that’s what I think him and his rent-a crowd onstage were shouting about. That’s all I could hear because the rest of it was muted out by ITV except for one word which I cannot repeat. Now why is it rappers insist on having 500 other people on stage with them when people like Ed Sheeran can happily stand on their own looking like Billy-no mates, with only a guitar for company. By the looks of the performance it seems as if Kanye and his chums have set fire to their local branch of Aldi and they seem rather happy about it. Don’t give any of their own brand of baked beans to your missus Kanye, they might shatter her backside. Was that everybody’s friend Taylor Swift trying to be cool by dancing to Mr West? Lionel Richie looks slightly less impressed.

So after that it’s a girl with bigger eyebrows than Liam Gallagher apparently. Well she looked OK to me whoever she was. She wants a three-some with Ant and Dec. Moving swiftly along its time for best international male solo artist. Unfortunately Pharrell didn't see the Brits as being cool enough to attend so a recorded message it is. I’m sure he’ll find space at the back of the mantelpiece for his Brit Award.

Ooh it's the last chance to vote for the best video artist award. More Morecambe and Wise-style antics from our Geordie friends before a surprise live appearance from Take That. So there’s Gary Barlow on vocals with a big keyboard and crikey, whose that bashing a big drum? Why none other than Howard Donald and what’s going on here? Is Mark Owen actually playing that guitar? Still I suppose that’s what happens when your dancer leaves the group. So who will Ant and Dec pair up from their bingo? The likely duo of Lisa Snowdon and Lionel Richie, that’s who. They both say hello and introduce the award for the best single. Clean Bandit, Ed Sheeran (of course), My Love by Jess Glynne-  not really. Sigma..oh dear. Sam Smith inevitably to keep up the kind of Coe/Ovett style duel with Sheeran. Oh bloody Calvin Harris again. Oh dear. To think on another night he might have won two awards. Uptown Funk won this category because it’s everybody’s favorite song at the moment. Poor old Mark Ronson he’s not used to being in front of loads of people. He says he could not have done it without the world’s most talented Hawaiian, Bruno Mars, which isn't really that difficult to be with only Nicole Scherzingher for competition. 

Now the world’s most talented Scouser comes on stage, John Bishop. Some quality acts up for best International group except for 5 Seconds of Summer. They thankfully lose out to the Foo Fighters who, like Pharrell are too cool for this school.

James Bay the critics’ choice has a nice hat on, although Ant and Dec seem less interested about getting to know this upcoming young buck in the music industry and more interested in how drunk he is. Only at The Brits. Sam Smith advises him to get dumped by someone to inspire his music, advice he must have received himself from Adele, conspicuous by her absence this year.

It’s time for some George Ezra the third man in the Sheeran/Smith duel. He’s like a protest vote really. Budapest is a great song though.

The best British Breakthrough Act: Interesting bit of nostalgia that PJ and Duncan (who Ant and Dec used to be called for younger readers) lost out in this very category back in 1995 to a “ little” band called Oasis. To present the award is the “inevitable at some stage” appearance of Fearne Cotton feat. Charlie XCX. “This is a girl power moment," muses XCX. Who the FK are FKA Twigs? Predictably Sam Smith wins his second Brit in a category Ed Sheeran was barred from because he’s been around too long.

Ant and Dec crawl under a table like two kids playing hide n seek at a wedding. Maybe it’s to escape the booming voice of Paloma Faith who is now performing. Now this is where I stand with Paloma. Like her songs, the music part that is until she opens her mouth and it then seems to drown out any well crafted music production on her records. Anyway she’s not as bad as Cheryl Fernando vajazzle, or whatever she's called now, again conspicuously absent from these awards completely, thank goodness. Looks like Paloma is getting rather wet out there, either that or there’s a leak in the roof of the 02.

Jimmy Carr and some underwear model to present the penultimate award. Oh my god she’s another best friend of Taylor Swift. How many best friends does one girl need? Hope she doesn’t get in a cat fight with Ellie Goulding at the after party, they were each wearing white and both claim to be Taylor Swift’s bestie. Awkward.

Video of the year, the one we've been cajoled into voting for all night is finally revealed. Inevitably like with all public phone votes and a bit of Tesco-style number crunching probably by a certain Mr Cowell it's One Direction who scoop the award for “You and I.” I don’t think this award should really count because it has all the validity of a Zimbabwean General Election. Unfortunately the boys are in Japan so to accept the award it’s the powerful despot himself Mr Simon “four eyes” Cowell. I bet those spectacles can grow pound signs too ££.

Russell Crowe, the possible future owner of Leeds United, strides on stage for the British squeaky album time. Ed Sheeran, Alt-J, George Ezra, Royal Blood and yes you’ve guessed it Sam Smith are nominated. The ginger fox beats the brewery. Sheeran doesn't think the Brit award statue made of playdoh with bits of loo roll hanging off it is worthy of the work put into making music. Nuff said.

It’s time for our headline act! For the first time in twenty years it’s Madonna!!

On she comes wearing a black cloak so long that anyone could easily trip up over it. Nah that couldn’t happen could it?..oops,  just has.. and that was quite a clunk over the microphone as she toppled down those steps along with those dancers who tumbled with her. Perhaps the stage was still wet after Paloma Faith’s performance or maybe it’s because Madonna is so used to wearing skimpy outfits on stage and forgot she was wearing something rather longer. She did well to get back up at her age and carry on as the rather average song suggested. Oh well the press have got their headlines and no matter what went before it the 2015 Brit awards will always be remembered for when Madonna fell over on stage. Still it has got everybody talking and will probably boost her album sales. Its publicity Simon Cowell could only dream of. Oh look there’s Kanye West holding Kim Kardashian like a 15-year old boy who has just got together with his new bird in the park. Madonna finishes and will now go off to warm up the hairdryer for that dancer who didn't take her cloak off properly. So, back to Ant and Dec now to thank us for watching and say bye bye.. Ok well, maybe after the montage showing the “best bits” from tonight’s show? Cut to credits..aww aren’t you going to say goodnight boys? No? Oh well see you again next year. Time for the after party, which will probably end up with everybody having a sleepover at Taylor Swift’s house, because she’s everyone’s best friend isn't she.