My alternative look at The Brit Awards 2015

Last week we had the Grammy’s, then the Oscars and now, saving the best till last, the Brit Awards 2015! This year hosted by Ant and Dec, yippee not the unfunny Southern smugness of James Corden.

So, to open the bowling a nice bit of gentle out-swing from Taylor Swift- a bit of a warm-up song to fill in some of the Blank space of time while guests make it back from the bar.

After her performance its time for Ant and Dec.They have the temerity to take the mickey out of a certain arrogant rapper, North East 1 Kanye west 0. 

Whenever I see Ant and Dec together on a stage we are always bloody voting for something and tonight is no different! Yes the Great British Public can vote for that oh so important award for “best video artist,” featuring a rather motley crew of nominees:

1.     One Direction- just because Simon Cowell said so.

2.     Ed Sheeran – Thinking out loud- because he’s Ed Sheeran and he has to be nominated for everything.

3.     Sam Smith- Stay with Me- because everything Ed Sheeran is nominated for he has to be too

4.     Calvin Harris – Summer- Sorry forgot this song had ever even existed let alone the video

5.     Uptown Funk- Because it’s everybody’s favourite song right now.

Oh god, Rita Ora has entered the building, last seen at the Brits getting drunk and being rather embarrassing with the members of One Direction...Ooh don’t mention that wardrobe malfunction mister, look her in the eyes not anywhere else. The best Male solo artist is won by the fox himself Ed Sheeran, beating off the competition from Sam Smith, George Ezra and some other bloke called Damon Albarn.

Royal Blood scoop the best British group award which shows you don’t have to have five number ones and be on a reality TV show to win awards.

So, let the vocal battle commence, first up on stage, Sam Smith. Nice song very profound but didn’t really get the juices flowing to be honest. Bring on err Ed Sheeran. 

First let’s have a game of bingo Ant and Dec style, which brings together the rather odd couple of Ellie Goulding and Lewis Hamilton, whose on-screen chemistry make the lead actors of Fifty Shades of Grey look positively smoking.  Lewis, seriously don’t think you are going to pull Ellie Goulding any time soon mate after that performance.

Who is St.Vincent, apart from a Carribean Island? Ellie Goulding and Taylor Swift are best friends apparently, as she scoops the best International artist award.

Time for some rock n’roll!

Royal Blood take to the stage and fill this year’s “token rock act” slot. At least it was nice to hear some proper guitars for a change, along with some interesting lighting effects.

Ellie Goulding has ditched her best friend Taylor Swift for Rita Ora. She surprisingly tips Jessie Ware to win the best female award, much to the surprise of Ant and Dec, who I'm not sure had even heard of her. Don’t mention that wardrobe malfunction to Miss Ora, Dec, or she’ll chop your balls off quicker than you can say “Byker Grove.”

Oh my days it’s Simon Cowell with glasses on. Oh for god’s sake you never miss an opportunity do you Si. "Vote for One Direction in the video category" he muses. Well I suppose they are better than Calvin Harris. Ant and Dec give him a tie. He’ll probably try to flog it off-camera to Labrinth, who is sat next to him.

It’s time for some Mark “collaboration” Ronson and the best British female solo award. There’s Ellie’s tip, Jessie Ware along with Ella Henderson and Paloma Faith, who wins and is rather emotional when she takes the stage. Nice roses, might need watering later on. She’s seen the first legal pictures of her all over tube stations. Hmm.. Cue the longest acceptance speech of the night.

Now it’s the ginger one Mr Sheeran’s turn, time for a brew. No wait, is he really playing that guitar riff or is a loop pedal doing it all for him? It looks like he’s trying to sing, play the guitar and drive a car at the same time. He’s getting rather loud and emotional is our Ed, which is a shame because I’d earmarked his act for a cheeky nap. Oh well.

Oh no who’s this vile looking creature? It’s the walking egg-timer herself Kim Kardashian-West, although it looks like everything is mostly heading South. She will be awarding the best global success award. Inevitably, Sam Smith has won this award in a rather one-horse race. Is he the only British act to be successful abroad then? Ooh another friend of Taylor Swift, isn’t she a popular girl. Ant and Dec want a selfie with the egg-timer on legs but oh no shock horror the phone was locked. Oh well maybe another time lads. Now she wants everyone to stand up for her husband Kanye and a special song about his shopping trip to Aldi.

Well at least that’s what I think him and his rent-a crowd onstage were shouting about. That’s all I could hear because the rest of it was muted out by ITV except for one word which I cannot repeat. Now why is it rappers insist on having 500 other people on stage with them when people like Ed Sheeran can happily stand on their own looking like Billy-no mates, with only a guitar for company. By the looks of the performance it seems as if Kanye and his chums have set fire to their local branch of Aldi and they seem rather happy about it. Don’t give any of their own brand of baked beans to your missus Kanye, they might shatter her backside. Was that everybody’s friend Taylor Swift trying to be cool by dancing to Mr West? Lionel Richie looks slightly less impressed.

So after that it’s a girl with bigger eyebrows than Liam Gallagher apparently. Well she looked OK to me whoever she was. She wants a three-some with Ant and Dec. Moving swiftly along its time for best international male solo artist. Unfortunately Pharrell didn't see the Brits as being cool enough to attend so a recorded message it is. I’m sure he’ll find space at the back of the mantelpiece for his Brit Award.

Ooh it's the last chance to vote for the best video artist award. More Morecambe and Wise-style antics from our Geordie friends before a surprise live appearance from Take That. So there’s Gary Barlow on vocals with a big keyboard and crikey, whose that bashing a big drum? Why none other than Howard Donald and what’s going on here? Is Mark Owen actually playing that guitar? Still I suppose that’s what happens when your dancer leaves the group. So who will Ant and Dec pair up from their bingo? The likely duo of Lisa Snowdon and Lionel Richie, that’s who. They both say hello and introduce the award for the best single. Clean Bandit, Ed Sheeran (of course), My Love by Jess Glynne-  not really. Sigma..oh dear. Sam Smith inevitably to keep up the kind of Coe/Ovett style duel with Sheeran. Oh bloody Calvin Harris again. Oh dear. To think on another night he might have won two awards. Uptown Funk won this category because it’s everybody’s favorite song at the moment. Poor old Mark Ronson he’s not used to being in front of loads of people. He says he could not have done it without the world’s most talented Hawaiian, Bruno Mars, which isn't really that difficult to be with only Nicole Scherzingher for competition. 

Now the world’s most talented Scouser comes on stage, John Bishop. Some quality acts up for best International group except for 5 Seconds of Summer. They thankfully lose out to the Foo Fighters who, like Pharrell are too cool for this school.

James Bay the critics’ choice has a nice hat on, although Ant and Dec seem less interested about getting to know this upcoming young buck in the music industry and more interested in how drunk he is. Only at The Brits. Sam Smith advises him to get dumped by someone to inspire his music, advice he must have received himself from Adele, conspicuous by her absence this year.

It’s time for some George Ezra the third man in the Sheeran/Smith duel. He’s like a protest vote really. Budapest is a great song though.

The best British Breakthrough Act: Interesting bit of nostalgia that PJ and Duncan (who Ant and Dec used to be called for younger readers) lost out in this very category back in 1995 to a “ little” band called Oasis. To present the award is the “inevitable at some stage” appearance of Fearne Cotton feat. Charlie XCX. “This is a girl power moment," muses XCX. Who the FK are FKA Twigs? Predictably Sam Smith wins his second Brit in a category Ed Sheeran was barred from because he’s been around too long.

Ant and Dec crawl under a table like two kids playing hide n seek at a wedding. Maybe it’s to escape the booming voice of Paloma Faith who is now performing. Now this is where I stand with Paloma. Like her songs, the music part that is until she opens her mouth and it then seems to drown out any well crafted music production on her records. Anyway she’s not as bad as Cheryl Fernando vajazzle, or whatever she's called now, again conspicuously absent from these awards completely, thank goodness. Looks like Paloma is getting rather wet out there, either that or there’s a leak in the roof of the 02.

Jimmy Carr and some underwear model to present the penultimate award. Oh my god she’s another best friend of Taylor Swift. How many best friends does one girl need? Hope she doesn’t get in a cat fight with Ellie Goulding at the after party, they were each wearing white and both claim to be Taylor Swift’s bestie. Awkward.

Video of the year, the one we've been cajoled into voting for all night is finally revealed. Inevitably like with all public phone votes and a bit of Tesco-style number crunching probably by a certain Mr Cowell it's One Direction who scoop the award for “You and I.” I don’t think this award should really count because it has all the validity of a Zimbabwean General Election. Unfortunately the boys are in Japan so to accept the award it’s the powerful despot himself Mr Simon “four eyes” Cowell. I bet those spectacles can grow pound signs too ££.

Russell Crowe, the possible future owner of Leeds United, strides on stage for the British squeaky album time. Ed Sheeran, Alt-J, George Ezra, Royal Blood and yes you’ve guessed it Sam Smith are nominated. The ginger fox beats the brewery. Sheeran doesn't think the Brit award statue made of playdoh with bits of loo roll hanging off it is worthy of the work put into making music. Nuff said.

It’s time for our headline act! For the first time in twenty years it’s Madonna!!

On she comes wearing a black cloak so long that anyone could easily trip up over it. Nah that couldn’t happen could it?..oops,  just has.. and that was quite a clunk over the microphone as she toppled down those steps along with those dancers who tumbled with her. Perhaps the stage was still wet after Paloma Faith’s performance or maybe it’s because Madonna is so used to wearing skimpy outfits on stage and forgot she was wearing something rather longer. She did well to get back up at her age and carry on as the rather average song suggested. Oh well the press have got their headlines and no matter what went before it the 2015 Brit awards will always be remembered for when Madonna fell over on stage. Still it has got everybody talking and will probably boost her album sales. Its publicity Simon Cowell could only dream of. Oh look there’s Kanye West holding Kim Kardashian like a 15-year old boy who has just got together with his new bird in the park. Madonna finishes and will now go off to warm up the hairdryer for that dancer who didn't take her cloak off properly. So, back to Ant and Dec now to thank us for watching and say bye bye.. Ok well, maybe after the montage showing the “best bits” from tonight’s show? Cut to credits..aww aren’t you going to say goodnight boys? No? Oh well see you again next year. Time for the after party, which will probably end up with everybody having a sleepover at Taylor Swift’s house, because she’s everyone’s best friend isn't she.

Back for another series - The opening of Leeds Trinity arcade

So first of all I have been very lazy this past 7 months in that I haven't added to this blog since 15th August 2012...

Anyway I am back and hope to build up the following of people from random places in The Netherlands, Russia and the USA.

So to briefly update you I am now engaged to the lovely Samantha as of Valentines Day this year and we will be moving in together in July. I am also keeping busy with the discos and of course up to date with music. I have started creating online mixes as well to try and boost my profile as a DJ and hopefully lead to fame and fortune (i can dream).

The crowds gather for the 6pm opening but should have been listening to
"Material Girl"

While out and about I always listen to other DJs, what music they play and how about they go about their work, to gain ideas on how I can improve myself. However at the opening of the new Leeds Trinity shopping  mall, last week, I couldn't help feeling that I could have done a far better job than the DJ they employed to warm up the crowd before their second "grand opening" of the day at 6pm.

There we were stood waiting, my fiance', her mother and me, staring at a giant white box with the name of a well known communications giant emblazoned on it. Above us stood the silver horse statue that has been the focus of all the pre-amble on the local news to the opening of Leeds' latest shopping experience. Stood even more majestically through the modern, glass ceiling was the 17th Century Holy Trinity church of which it was named after. The crowd gathered as they had done for centuries when something new was about to be opened or unveiled. The anticipation gathered.

But there was something wrong, something really annoyingly wrong. At first I could not put my finger on it, but then after a few minutes it dawned on me... the noise.. the noise, not of the people,  but the dull hum of music coming out of the high-tech speakers surrounding the crowds. I cast my eyes downwards and to the right and lo and behold I spotted the source with its cap turned round and his headphones glued to his ears.

He's missing a real trick I thought. Why he persisted in playing this horrible non-descript buzzy garage I do not know. I stood and thought about what I would play if I were standing in his shoes (probably with no baseball cap on, but maybe the headphones)

The silver horse at Leeds Trinity

Why doesn't he play something we all know? If it was me stood in the DJ booth I would have taken this wonderful opportunity to take a side swipe at the commercial monolith that has invaded the centre of Leeds City Centre.

For the older listeners, I would have started with Madonna's Material Girl, and then Simply Red's "Money too tight to mention" and then The Pet Shop Boys "Opportunities, (Let's make lots of money)
Abba's Money Money Money would also be an obvious choice.

To get down with the kids I would have put on Jessie J's Price Tag, Wiley and Daniel Merriweather with Cash in my Pocket and Mackelmore's current hit, "Thrift Shop." Now that would have been far more entertaining and appropriate way to help launch Leeds Trinity.

The new shopping mall in Leeds

Weblinks 

Trinity Leeds website

Jonathan's Discos website





 

My Olympic Experience

 First of all a big "Welkom" to my new reader from The Netherlands and hope you are enjoying my blog from just across The North Sea.

So I could not let this week pass without reviewing my complete Olympic experience, for better or worse, for richer for poorer and for Gold or wooden spoon as it were.

In July of last year I woke up at 6 in the morning to take part in a virtual Olympic duel of my own - to beat all the other competitors for precious tickets to London 2012. Unlike many of the actual Olympic athletes this is not something that I had particularly trained for and it was pretty much trial and error. Sam and I really would have liked to have gone to the Olympic stadium to watch the athletics, or maybe to the aquatics centre to watch some of the swimming or diving.

After about one hour and a half of trying I was just going for anything I could lay my hands on, synchronised swimming or handball anyone? . After two hours of trying and watching a very oddly shaped symbol spin around my computer screen, like a gymnast on the rings, I was relieved to see a different screen appear, one that actually seemed to be getting me somewhere. In the end it was the sport of boxing at the Excel Arena which Sam and I were fated to see on the afternoon of Sunday 5th August 2012. Not our first choice, second choice or even really our third choice, but after submitting my payment details (good job I had one Visa Card isn't it grrr) I was relieved that Sam and I were going to the Olympics!

So fast forward one year and after watching the torch twice as described here, building up the excitement of the nation, followed by the delivery of our tickets on June 20th and making final arrangements for our accommodation, at Sam's auntie's in North London we were all set to go.



Famous landmark and Olympics

Whenever I go to London I always feel so Northern. Who invented that stupid rule that you have to stand on the right hand side of the escalator in a tube station to let people in hurry through on the left. If I'd tried doing that driving South on the A1 I would probably had an accident or had a fight with an arrogant BMW driver..

But anyways.. Surely (using a bit of Yorkshire common sense here) you should wait on the left of the escalator to let people overtake you on the right..y'know just like on t'roads.

Anyway this blog is about the Olympics, so let's get baack on traack, so as to speak.

On Saturday Sam and I went to Hyde Park to try and see some of the women's triathlon. However by the time we got there the race was over, but we did get to see the buoys on the Serpentine and a goose reclaiming its territory.

We stood outside Buckingham Palace and the gates to Green Park. (Why is it I always forget that the park next to Buck Palace is not actually Hyde Park, but the less memorable Green Park)

We spent the afternoon at BT Live in the more famous Hyde Park where we watched team GB win a gold medal in the team sprint cycling at the velodrome. I also bought the world's most expensive steak baguette (£7) and beer (Heineken £5, John Smiths £4.50) and there were too many people in the way of the screen. I would have seen more sat at home with a can of £1 beer from Aldi.

However, the sun was out and the atmosphere around the park was fantastic. I also got a commemorative London 2012 beer holder, which cost me a quid and I did kinda get a sun tan.

We spent most of golden Saturday evening on the tube trying to get home. We nearly got on the wrong tube to Walthamstow and had to hurry off the tube rather sharpish when we realised it was taking us in completely the wrong direction, much to the amusement of a bunch of locals who raised a chuckle. "Thick nawthern mankeys."

So to Sunday and the day we had been waiting for since I'd procured those boxing tickets more than a year ago.

The tube to the excel arena was far less dramatic because Sam's cousin, Nathan, a Londoner, came with us. Tickets in hand we marched out of the DLR train at the excel and through the security checks. Sam even had to take her earrings off. So here we were......the excel arena 5th August 2012, boxing 1.30-4.30, Block 304, Row 29 seats 20 and 21 here we come!...ahh ? OK row..27...row...28....row 29...seat 20..oh good some aisle seats and i must be next to...oh seat 19 OK across the aisle...seat 27!!! Where the hell is seat 21? My seat did not exist. After all this time I've had the ticket my seat did not even flipping exist!!!



Women's Boxing at the Excel Arena

We asked a steward who directed us to an office where we were issued some different tickets which were a bit better as it turned out. As we left the office relieved and hoping that these seats on Row 25 did actually exist there was a queue forming out of said office. It seemed we were not the only ones...

"Ding ding" the first bout and yes Sam and I were part of history to witness the first ever Women's boxing bout between a girl from the (Not so democratic People's Republic of North Korea) and Russia. The two highlights of this session of boxing was when Great Britain's Natasha Jonas came out to fight an American boxer. The atmosphere was electric and yes we did get to do the famous Team GB chant. She won, cue Union Jack waving and more shouts for the home team. Shame she went out to a Ukrainian woman in the next round... unlike compatriot, Nicola Adams who went on to take gold.


Sam getting into the spirit of things xx

The final bout also provided some entertainment when the mean figure of Nigeria's Edith Ogoke entered the ring. From the first bell she just went for it and threw punches at her Russian opponent left right and centre, prompting the crowd to get right behind her. "Edith Edith Edith" rang around the arena. She won, but again went out in the next round.

Then it was over. We caught a tube up to Stratford to see the Olympic Stadium, but because our event was not on the Olympic Park we could not go any further than a huge shopping mall, which was a shame as I felt that anyone with a ticket for ANY event that day should have been able to go to the Olympic Park, rather than having to have a pre-paid ticket or hold a ticket for any of the events taking place in Stratford. Anyway at least we saw it, in fact the best view we got was from the train window when leaving the site.



The closest we got to the stadium was through a
train window, despite us having tickets to the boxing

The Olympic Games in London was a great experience and in terms of the atmosphere, feel-good factor and hopefully an appetite for sport in which they have created in this country it has been a good thing. I think though the ticketing situation could have been handled a lot better. Those empty seats at venues from sponsors and press who had failed to turn up should have been given free to the people of London, especially young people of which these games aimed to inspire. After all it is Londoners who will be able to benefit from the games the most, providing the facilities created are not devoured by a greedy football club or other commercial enterprises for their own gain rather than for the people.

The Olympic Stadium should not be home to ANY football club, be it Tottenham, West Ham, Leyton Orient or Fisher Atheltic! The Olympic Stadium is an ATHLETICS stadium and should be used to hold major events in THIS sport. It should also be open for the people of London to use and to train young Olympians of the future and leave the lasting legacy, which was one of the main reasons that London got the Games in the first place. It should NOT be used by any football club. The UK already has many fine football stadia, such as Wembley Stadium, Old Trafford and Villa Park it doesn't need another one.Spurs already have White Hart Lane and West Ham, Upton Park, within their own boroughs. They do not need to move to Stratford.  Look at what happened when Manchester City took over the Commonwealth Games Stadium. It is now known as the "Etihad Stadium" because of the club's owners and football has completely taken over  the stadium. Why was this not used for young athletes in Manchester? I really hope this does not happen to the Olympic Stadium in London.

What legacy for the residents of Stratford?

I wait to see what overall legacy the games will have on the country, but from a personal point of view the feelings are very mixed. On the one hand Sam and I were one of the lucky few who managed to get tickets in some shape or form to the event and spent a fantastic weekend in London sharing the experience with millions of others of all nationalities who were there too. However looking back I would have to regret that we could not see the Olympic Park or get closer to the stadium itself than through a train window. I have some great memories though and I am still suffering Olympic withdrawl symptoms three days after the closing ceremony.

My alternative Olympic Opening ceremony

So the Olympics finally get under way officially tomorrow evening with an opening ceremony directed by Danny Boyle and although most of its content has remained top secret we do know there will be an idyllic countryside scene and a raincloud (which may probably be provided naturally anyway) to reflect "Britain of old." . Anyway here's a few of my own suggestions as to what should also be included in a ceremony to give the watching world a true reflection of British life.

1. A group of tracksuit-clad chavs swagger into the arena with the latest smart-phones and music blasting out of them. They all sit on a park bench in the middle of the field. A bottle of White Lightning cider is passed round and one of them rolls a joint. Every so often they spit on the grass and swear at passers by making two fingered gestures to the spectators. Another chav rides in on a scooter, holding a Staffy on lead. The dog is let off its leash and allowed to run wherever it wants in the stadium. The dog urinates on the athletics track before attacking officials and members of the audience. Dwain Chambers runs past and offers the chavs some drugs, which they accept and a quick exchange is carried out.

Chavs should feature in the Olympic Opening Ceremony as a true reflection of
British Life.

A car enters the arena and parks nearby. A smartly dressed couple get out on their way to sample a bit of British culture, perhaps a play at the theatre. They are sworn at by the chavs as they get out of their parked car. The couple hurry on trying to ignore the insults as they go. The chavs eye up the car and they get an idea.

The chavs twok the car and then go off on a joyride doing two laps of the athletics track at 100mph before torching it at the finish line, causing a huge fire. The chavs swagger off holding their White Lightenting and giving two fingered gestures to the crowd as they leave the stadium.


2. The arena is turned into a giant Job Centre. Queues of people line up looking for a job but slowly leave the arena looking disconsolate. A big dole queue forms with over-worked staff trying to organise the melee'. The queue includes lots of young 16-24 year olds who have no hope of getting a job. A group of children proudly run out with a giant white flag emblazoned with the design of a P45 form. The jobseekers stand under the P45 form and are then smothered in the flag before marching out of the stadium.


3. A fleet of lorries enter the stadium and park in the middle of the green. The back doors burst open and a groups of illegal asylum seekers cart-wheel out in all directions. They then run as fast as they can to hide amongst the spectators, never to be seen again.

4. In the corner a giant petrol station is built and as the ceremony goes on around it the display price goes up and up.


5. Now its time for the athlete's parade, and what better way to show our famous British sense of diplomacy  than giving the flag-bearers the flag of their rival nation. So let's start by giving the Iranian Olympic team the flag of Israel, the Indian team can fly the flag of Pakistan, North Korea can carry the flag of South Korea and vice-versa and just so as we are not left out, why not end up with Sir Chris Hoy carrying the flag of Germany for Team GB! As for the Union Jack, let's give it to the Irish Olympic team and help put decades of religious conflict well and truly in the past!

6. Now the grand firework finale and who better to set them off then our chavs from the opening scene. Since twoking the car they have gone and bought some fireworks and are now looking for a letterbox to put one through. They find a house and an angry old man comes out shaking his fist. the chavs beat him to the ground. One them films it on a mobile phone and uploads it onto the giant screens in the stadium. The chavs then set off the fireworks off on him and run off, leaving him for dead.

7. Now then, who could we get to light the Olympic flame? Daley Thompson? Steve Redgrave? David Beckham perhaps? No! Let's celebrate how us British love to promote the underdog and at the same time show our history of slapstick comedy, by getting Eddie the Eagle Edwards to ski-jump his way into the stadium with the torch in hand, but then comically trip over and completely miss the cauldron. One of the chavs triumphantly goes up to the torch and flicks the embers of his joint which makes the Olympic flame burn and the London 2012 Olympics are declared officially open!

My worst number ones

Last weekend provided me with some entertainment by watching "Britain's Favorite Number Ones" on ITV . The mission was to find the UK's favorite number one from sixty nominated by "industry experts" inevitably including Paul Gambacinni. Sounds great, but there was one problem though. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the whole point of a good countdown show is trying to guess which songs will be coming up next and if viewing with others having a debate as to which "item" would eventually be the number one number one?. But host, Fearne Cotton insisted on taking the whole fun out of the programme by telling us what the next five songs were in the form of little "teasers" before the commercial breaks.. grrr! I really don't want to know that Madonna, Blondie, Rihanna, Oasis and David Bowie made up the next five songs in the countdown! Why are you spoiling the fun for me Fearne? However it was not really a shock that Bohemian Rhapsody turned out to be the winning song (I'd actually worked it out about half an hour before because it's the only one they didn't mention in any of the teasers in a weak attempt to disguise it.)

Anyway I thought for your amusement and my own I would compile a list of songs which definitely should NEVER have made it to Number 1 and what I would have said about them if I'd been filmed in front of my mixer on the countdown show. Enjoy.

 Everly Bros - Cathy's Clown 1960

A negative dirge about not loving somebody any more Yuk!


Billy J Kramer & the Dakotas - Little Children 1964

A song that would be considered akin to paedophillia if you listen to the words, but they didn't exist in 1964 did they?????


The Scaffold - Lily The Pink 1968

Annoying song that has plagued kids songbooks and easy guitar cord books


 . Clive Dunn - Grandad 1971

 Amusing, if you are 5 or 85


Benny Hill - Ernie The Fastest Milkman in the West 1971
.
Annoying and just don't get it,


 Chuck Berry - My Ding a Ling 1972

Repetitive, irritating and immature sexual humour that only belonged in the early 70s


Donny Osmond - Puppy Love 1972
.
Awful it's songs like these that made punk fashionable five years later


 Jimmy Osmond - Long Haired LOver from Liverpool 1972
.
Irritating not a patch on a then young Michael Jackson


Dawn - Tie A Yellow Ribbon 1973

The most irritating song ever written and recorded


Mud - Lonely This Christmas

The suicide rate normally increases at Christmas largely due to this song


 The Wurzels - I Got A New Combine Harvester 1976

 Just because I grew up in rural East Yorkshire doesn't mean that I'm anything like these guys


Renee & Renato - Save Our Love 1982

Luckily I was only a baby when this was out
 .

 . The Timelords - Doctorin the Tardis 1988
.
To my ears Doctor Who is just a series of noises and this is no different


Mr Blobby - Mr Blobby 1993

How the hell did this get anywhere near number 1 ...twice..


 Robson & Jerome - Unchained Melody/Up On the Roof 1995

Should have stayed on Soldier Soldier



Hanson - Mmmbop 1997

I really did want to punch each and every one of Hanson


Teletubbies say Eh oh 1997

Don't tell me a load of 3 year olds went to HMV and bought this single..


Aqua - Barbie Girl 1997

Cheesy horrible


Bewitched - Ce'st Le Vie 1998

Hate this song it was crap when it was in the charts and is crap when I hear it out at 90s nostaligia nights


Anything by Billie 1998

Nuff said

 Vengaboys - Were Going to Ibiza 1999

This song irritates me in so many ways:

1. The way she pronounces "Ibiza" so it rhymes with "pizza"
2. It rips off a 70s number on called "Typically Tropical by Barbados
3. The way that "Meditteranean Sea" doesn't quite fit the song

A1 - Take on Me 2000

Just because your band also begins with A and named after the longest road in Britain doesn't mean that you can do a good cover of an 80s classic


Bob The Builder - Can We Fix It 2000

See Teletubbies


Atomic Kitten - Whole Again 2001

This typifies music around this time..rubbish


Gareth Gates - Unchained Melody 2002

Just because you were in a reality show doesn't mean you have the right to trample all over a classic


Eamon F u right back 2004
 Frankee Fu I don't want you back 2004

I grouped these together. Chavvy Jeremy Kyle music


Chico - It's Chico Time 2006

Dreadful


Sean Kingston - Beautiful Girls 2007

I once got requested this song 7 times in a night and have hated it ever since


Any X Factor finalist collaborations 2007-11

Nobody has a divine right to get to number one


Scouting for Girls - This Aint a love song 2010

I just hate Scouting for girls


Joe McElderry - The Climb 2010
Bad song bad winner of X Factor

Why we should all get behind Andy Murray

I am not a tennis fan, particularly, but like many people in this country I take a passing interest in Wimbledon and occasionally the other grand slam events each year. The Davis Cup and the Masters series do not particularly interest me and if there was cricket or football on the other channel I would most certainly be watching these instead. However this year I could not help being captivated by the famous old tournament.  Britain...yes Britain, not Spain or Serbia have a Wimbledon men's singles finalist for the first time in the professional era in the shape of Andy Murray. He did not bottle it in the quaters or the semi's Henman style, but he made it to the final two of the tournament, overcoming difficult opponents from round one. In tennis I have a motto that if I've heard of them then they must be good. I'd heard of all of Murray's opponents from Davydenko in round one, through Karlovic, Baghdatis, Cilic, Ferrer, Tsonga and finally Federer in the final. There were no gimmes in that run.

The tears he shed after his defeat in the final showed how much he wanted to win this tournament and how much he cared. People have often written Murray off as aloof, humourless and boring in interviews. With the voracity of the British press for a headline I do not blame him. He is probably scared of saying something out of place and has been bitten before by the press when they reported his off the cuff comment about "supporting anybody but England" in the 2006 World Cup. I think this so-called aloofness is more a case of self- preservation than how he actually really is. I heard him on a live radio show on Radio Five Live as a guest and in this more relaxed studio environment he came across as a humorous and engaging character, liberated by the more friendly surroundings where headline chasing was not the object of the journalists present.

There is also a conspiracy for Murray to be disliked. Unlike his peers Murray did not come through the British LTA system and instead opted to train at the Schiller International School in Barcelona when he was fifteen. The fact that Murray is the best British tennis player by a country mile,and puts to shame any other  player brought through the English system exposes starkly the incompetence of the LTA to produce world class tennis players. This I think has irked some people at the top of the sport in this country because his success has made them look rather silly.

Murray has also had to overcome a lot of problems in his life. His parents split when he was nine, around the same time that he survived the worst school massacre ever witnessed in this country at his school in Dunblane. He also has a knee condition which he has had to overcome in order to play tennis at the top level. It is his single-mindedness and professionalism and a heck of a lot of talent that has enabled him to get to where he is in the game and so what if he doesn't kow-tow to the celebrity-obsessed media who want him to quip a funny joke for the papers or appear in panto at the London Palladium. He is different and disliked in this country because he is an absolute professional who has no other focus in life but to do what he is good at, win tennis matches.

Chasing The Torch

The flame makes its way through York City Centre

Over the past two weeks I have enjoyed two bites at seeing the Olympic Torch as it entered and re-entered God's own county. Firstly on 18th June it passed through York City Centre, where Sam and I waited for nearly two hours to see it. After attempting to hi-fi several policemen on motorbikes the cavalcade finally arrived, sadly tinged with the smell of blatant advertising through two floats of a well known soft drink and bank pumping out er.. One Direction Songs. The torchbearer was a young 16 year old lad who seemed jolly pleased to be one of the 8000 torchbearers up and down the country. What a turnout in the city centre for what for many was a once in a lifetime experience. The anticipation of seeing the torch really brought it home that the greatest show on earth was coming to my country and it might never come again during my lifetime. Blink and you would have missed it, but I am glad that I waited them two hours in the sunshine to witness a piece of history.

The torch passing Harlech Avenue in Beeston

The second occasion I encountered the torch was one week later on Monday 25th June as it came to Beeston, Leeds. I woke up at 8am, at my girlfriend's house, to the sound of the aforementioned sponsored floats and the sound of One Direction again.. I knew the torch was on it's way! I threw on some clothes and ran down the street to witness the torch coming up Tempest Road in Beeston to the Hamara Centre, where it would be exchanged and carry on its merry way to Wakefield, t'Barnsley and finally Sheffield. The streets once again were filled with people wishing to see this event including many children on their way to school, something they will no doubt remember for the rest of their lives.

The torch on Tempest Road, Beeston