My worst number ones

Last weekend provided me with some entertainment by watching "Britain's Favorite Number Ones" on ITV . The mission was to find the UK's favorite number one from sixty nominated by "industry experts" inevitably including Paul Gambacinni. Sounds great, but there was one problem though. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the whole point of a good countdown show is trying to guess which songs will be coming up next and if viewing with others having a debate as to which "item" would eventually be the number one number one?. But host, Fearne Cotton insisted on taking the whole fun out of the programme by telling us what the next five songs were in the form of little "teasers" before the commercial breaks.. grrr! I really don't want to know that Madonna, Blondie, Rihanna, Oasis and David Bowie made up the next five songs in the countdown! Why are you spoiling the fun for me Fearne? However it was not really a shock that Bohemian Rhapsody turned out to be the winning song (I'd actually worked it out about half an hour before because it's the only one they didn't mention in any of the teasers in a weak attempt to disguise it.)

Anyway I thought for your amusement and my own I would compile a list of songs which definitely should NEVER have made it to Number 1 and what I would have said about them if I'd been filmed in front of my mixer on the countdown show. Enjoy.

 Everly Bros - Cathy's Clown 1960

A negative dirge about not loving somebody any more Yuk!


Billy J Kramer & the Dakotas - Little Children 1964

A song that would be considered akin to paedophillia if you listen to the words, but they didn't exist in 1964 did they?????


The Scaffold - Lily The Pink 1968

Annoying song that has plagued kids songbooks and easy guitar cord books


 . Clive Dunn - Grandad 1971

 Amusing, if you are 5 or 85


Benny Hill - Ernie The Fastest Milkman in the West 1971
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Annoying and just don't get it,


 Chuck Berry - My Ding a Ling 1972

Repetitive, irritating and immature sexual humour that only belonged in the early 70s


Donny Osmond - Puppy Love 1972
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Awful it's songs like these that made punk fashionable five years later


 Jimmy Osmond - Long Haired LOver from Liverpool 1972
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Irritating not a patch on a then young Michael Jackson


Dawn - Tie A Yellow Ribbon 1973

The most irritating song ever written and recorded


Mud - Lonely This Christmas

The suicide rate normally increases at Christmas largely due to this song


 The Wurzels - I Got A New Combine Harvester 1976

 Just because I grew up in rural East Yorkshire doesn't mean that I'm anything like these guys


Renee & Renato - Save Our Love 1982

Luckily I was only a baby when this was out
 .

 . The Timelords - Doctorin the Tardis 1988
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To my ears Doctor Who is just a series of noises and this is no different


Mr Blobby - Mr Blobby 1993

How the hell did this get anywhere near number 1 ...twice..


 Robson & Jerome - Unchained Melody/Up On the Roof 1995

Should have stayed on Soldier Soldier



Hanson - Mmmbop 1997

I really did want to punch each and every one of Hanson


Teletubbies say Eh oh 1997

Don't tell me a load of 3 year olds went to HMV and bought this single..


Aqua - Barbie Girl 1997

Cheesy horrible


Bewitched - Ce'st Le Vie 1998

Hate this song it was crap when it was in the charts and is crap when I hear it out at 90s nostaligia nights


Anything by Billie 1998

Nuff said

 Vengaboys - Were Going to Ibiza 1999

This song irritates me in so many ways:

1. The way she pronounces "Ibiza" so it rhymes with "pizza"
2. It rips off a 70s number on called "Typically Tropical by Barbados
3. The way that "Meditteranean Sea" doesn't quite fit the song

A1 - Take on Me 2000

Just because your band also begins with A and named after the longest road in Britain doesn't mean that you can do a good cover of an 80s classic


Bob The Builder - Can We Fix It 2000

See Teletubbies


Atomic Kitten - Whole Again 2001

This typifies music around this time..rubbish


Gareth Gates - Unchained Melody 2002

Just because you were in a reality show doesn't mean you have the right to trample all over a classic


Eamon F u right back 2004
 Frankee Fu I don't want you back 2004

I grouped these together. Chavvy Jeremy Kyle music


Chico - It's Chico Time 2006

Dreadful


Sean Kingston - Beautiful Girls 2007

I once got requested this song 7 times in a night and have hated it ever since


Any X Factor finalist collaborations 2007-11

Nobody has a divine right to get to number one


Scouting for Girls - This Aint a love song 2010

I just hate Scouting for girls


Joe McElderry - The Climb 2010
Bad song bad winner of X Factor