1. A group of tracksuit-clad chavs swagger into the arena with the latest smart-phones and music blasting out of them. They all sit on a park bench in the middle of the field. A bottle of White Lightning cider is passed round and one of them rolls a joint. Every so often they spit on the grass and swear at passers by making two fingered gestures to the spectators. Another chav rides in on a scooter, holding a Staffy on lead. The dog is let off its leash and allowed to run wherever it wants in the stadium. The dog urinates on the athletics track before attacking officials and members of the audience. Dwain Chambers runs past and offers the chavs some drugs, which they accept and a quick exchange is carried out.
 |
| Chavs should feature in the Olympic Opening Ceremony as a true reflection of British Life. |
The chavs twok the car and then go off on a joyride doing two laps of the athletics track at 100mph before torching it at the finish line, causing a huge fire. The chavs swagger off holding their White Lightenting and giving two fingered gestures to the crowd as they leave the stadium.
2. The arena is turned into a giant Job Centre. Queues of people line up looking for a job but slowly leave the arena looking disconsolate. A big dole queue forms with over-worked staff trying to organise the melee'. The queue includes lots of young 16-24 year olds who have no hope of getting a job. A group of children proudly run out with a giant white flag emblazoned with the design of a P45 form. The jobseekers stand under the P45 form and are then smothered in the flag before marching out of the stadium.
3. A fleet of lorries enter the stadium and park in the middle of the green. The back doors burst open and a groups of illegal asylum seekers cart-wheel out in all directions. They then run as fast as they can to hide amongst the spectators, never to be seen again.
4. In the corner a giant petrol station is built and as the ceremony goes on around it the display price goes up and up.
5. Now its time for the athlete's parade, and what better way to show our famous British sense of diplomacy than giving the flag-bearers the flag of their rival nation. So let's start by giving the Iranian Olympic team the flag of Israel, the Indian team can fly the flag of Pakistan, North Korea can carry the flag of South Korea and vice-versa and just so as we are not left out, why not end up with Sir Chris Hoy carrying the flag of Germany for Team GB! As for the Union Jack, let's give it to the Irish Olympic team and help put decades of religious conflict well and truly in the past!
6. Now the grand firework finale and who better to set them off then our chavs from the opening scene. Since twoking the car they have gone and bought some fireworks and are now looking for a letterbox to put one through. They find a house and an angry old man comes out shaking his fist. the chavs beat him to the ground. One them films it on a mobile phone and uploads it onto the giant screens in the stadium. The chavs then set off the fireworks off on him and run off, leaving him for dead.
7. Now then, who could we get to light the Olympic flame? Daley Thompson? Steve Redgrave? David Beckham perhaps? No! Let's celebrate how us British love to promote the underdog and at the same time show our history of slapstick comedy, by getting Eddie the Eagle Edwards to ski-jump his way into the stadium with the torch in hand, but then comically trip over and completely miss the cauldron. One of the chavs triumphantly goes up to the torch and flicks the embers of his joint which makes the Olympic flame burn and the London 2012 Olympics are declared officially open!
